How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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