he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
