Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Who died my cat blue again?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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