How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
