He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
