I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
