some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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