I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
