Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
