So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
