I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
