i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
