my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
