just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
