my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
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