THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
