If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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