I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
