that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
