Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
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