I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Randomize
