i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
