I'm going to rape someone's good day.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
