I molested 6 butterflies tonight
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
