i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
