I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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