Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
