Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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