my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
