Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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