lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
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