my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
