i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
