You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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