my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
