I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
