Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
