I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
