I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
