My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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