look no pants
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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