You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
