I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize