the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
