if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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