grandma shit on top of the toilet
I am midnight drunk by noon
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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