There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
