I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
