I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
