I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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