By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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