i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
