I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize