'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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