did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
