The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
