so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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