Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
