His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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