You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just want nice things and good sex
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
