Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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