I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize