Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
