the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
